August 1, 2013
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British Humor is Different
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!_____________________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog._____________________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound._____________________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
_____________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100._____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie._____________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is . . .
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.(Statement of the Century)
_____________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker – Billy Connolly.
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”_____________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here._____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables._____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)_____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O._____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!_____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are._____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . . . . Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right . . . ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’_____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand . . . . ._____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook._____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
_____________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher_____________________________________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
NOTES
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